Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
