Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
