You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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