Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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