Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
