Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
