Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
