just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
