Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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