In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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