I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
