Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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