We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
