i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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