Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
