this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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