the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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