I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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