In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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