Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
