just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
