woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
