oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
