i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
