Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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