We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
