chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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