first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
