I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
