Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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