My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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