I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
