someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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