I hate your face
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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