I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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