The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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