Swine flu. Run for my life!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
