9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
