this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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