i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
