ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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