My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
