Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
