i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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