i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
