Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
