if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
