Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
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I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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