i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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