I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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