Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
