I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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