I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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