umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why do cheetos always look like penises
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
