Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
