he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
