I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
