I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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