I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
