I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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