Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
